Memoir

Memoir

Why I Chose the BIC

I first heard about the BIC when I came to visit Baylor for orientation. I remember my mom and I were strolling through the BSB, when we happened upon a table of colorful books. I love reading, so I was initially drawn to the table and its contents. The student standing at the table asked for my attention. I realized these books weren’t just there for show. The young man proceeded to explain to me what this array of books had in common: they were all books I would read if I were to join the BIC program. I don’t remember what he said after that. I suppose he continued on to say that the BIC is an interdisciplinary program with an emphasis on learning about different religions and cultures in order to expand the horizon of Baylor students. (That and knowing that there was a unique alternative to the regular general education requirements was enough to sell me). Whatever is was that he said sold me, because I applied that day. I found out the same day that I had been accepted. I was ecstatic! It seemed hard to get into, although, I was naively rejoicing over something I knew very little about. I had no idea what a drastic difference there would be between my high school workload and the typical BIC load. Nevertheless, I felt proud for getting into what seemed to be a selective program. It didn’t seem as if there were hoards of people rushing to join, which was curious…

Once I started my time in the BIC program, I got an interesting taste of the different flavors of people here at Baylor. Many of my classmates seemed normal, but there were several intimidating intellectual snobs. Similar to many college freshmen, I hardly knew what studying was when I came to Baylor, in spite of leaving high school with a high GPA. BIC gave me a rude, but necessary awakening. I had never known such a harsh course load with so much reading. I quickly realized that I had to choose between getting a more than satisfactory amount of sleep (7-9 hours), or finishing the readings for all of my classes before class time. I often chose the former, reading the beginning and end of my texts, or consulting online summaries. I didn’t speak up in class much during those days anyway, so I didn’t worry much about contributing. I did worry when in-class quizzes started popping up (pun intended).

Though my other first year classes were challenging, none were challenging in the same ways as my BIC classes. World Cultures, Rhetoric, and Social World were extremely foundational and formative for my academic success now. I struggled with time management a lot freshman year. I was overwhelmed by the responsibility of creating my own schedule and being disciplined enough to decide when I would read, socialize, sleep, and work out. Now that I’m a senior, I’ve finally got that together (most of the time). As a freshman, I remember being so troubled by some assignments, that I would elect not to do them.

I almost neglected to present my third speech in my rhetoric class. I was terrified, even though I presented the first two well, because my classmates were going to turn in critiques of my presentation. A few of them bragged about being in debate, which made me feel even more anxious about presenting. I had been going to the counseling center for awhile at this point in the semester for help in my perfection-or-bust attitude. (I felt paralyzed by fear so much that if I thought I wasn’t going to do well on something, I simply wouldn’t do it). I met with my professor about my anxiety surrounding this assignment. She was patient and understanding, but encouraged me to do it anyway. It was a lot easier said than done, but with tears, prayer, and encouragement, I did it! Afterward, I collected my critiques. I folded them up and put them away. I took them home with me over break and stashed them under my bed. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that they’re still there collecting dust. 

I don’t know when others’ perception of me became so important. Looking back, it is so clear how wrapped up I was (and still am sometimes) in the opinions of others. During my freshman year, I dressed up for class almost every single day. I believe when you look good you feel good. (I also believe I might run into my future husband at any moment, and I’d like to look good for him). I took a lot of pride in being the girl with great style. We had Dapper Thursday in my rhetoric class. When the guy who was organizing it was giving examples for what to wear, he said, “girls, just dress like Tyler.” That basically made my life. I eventually got over myself. Wearing flats to class in the BSB everyday from Collins is very impractical, I realized. Similarly, I am getting over my fear of the correction of others. I recently had to present my very own commentary on a passage for my Latin class. Yes, my Baylor experience has come in full circle. I spoke for 10 minutes, and turned in my paper to my professor. He gave me my paper with his comments and the critiques of my classmates last week. Since his opinion is most important, I checked his page first and saw that I made a nice grade. As excited as I was about that, I still felt scared to see what the rest of the class had to say. For the sake of moving past the past, I looked over them the other day. A friend had to sit there with me as I did it, but I faced my fear of confronting the judgment of others. The critiques were all positive; only a few people gave me an average grade. I am glad to have opportunities such as that, because it is refreshing and important to get insight from peers. Otherwise, I only have one perspective, myself, and I’m biased because I’ve lived with myself for 21 years.

In my 21 years on this planet, I’ve had the chance to experience a lot of different cultures and meet a lot of different people. My dad worked for the corporate sector of the Boy Scouts for 20 years. The opportunities to move up in positions within the Boy Scouts often involves moving to a new location. My dad is great at what he does, so we have had the blessing of moving several times since I’ve been alive. I was born in San Antonio, Texas, then we moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, then Kenner, Louisiana, then Las Vegas, Nevada, then Woodland Hills, California, and just before I finished high school, we moved to Keller, Texas. The different experiences I had living in such unique places, and often so close to big cities helped me expand my horizons at a young age. When I was little, my parents were intentional about getting me socialized, which meant going to work with them, and being actively involved in the community and at church. I knew about pleasantries such as “no and yes ma’am/sir,” “pleasure to meet you,” and shaking hands from a very young age. I got to experience the culture shock of growing up in the South for 7 years to starting junior high on the West Coast. I also had the reverse experience when I finished high school in southern California and came back to the south for school at Baylor.

My parents and I almost always lived in suburban neighborhoods, but also close to big cities. I have been fortunate enough to meet people from many different cultures just from moving around the country. I had friends from several different ethnic backgrounds in Louisiana. Most of my friends in Las Vegas were Filipino. I found the widest range of ethnicities when I went to school in southern California. Los Angeles County is a little melting pot. In spite of this, I wound up falling into a group of mostly Jewish girls. We spent a lot of time together, and I became fascinated with their culture. I learned about Shabbat dinner, and attended many of them. That tradition is one of my favorite things about Jewish culture: the family togetherness is beautiful, and I appreciate that they spend quality time together over dinner Friday night and Saturday-day without electronics. (Their use is prohibited on Shabbat according to the Torah). I also enjoyed the familiarity of singing the same prayers every week. With all of that being said, I felt a sense of comfort when we talked about Judaism freshman year. My parents moved back to Texas the summer before my senior year of high school. I moved most of my stuff with them, and moved back to California to finish my senior year there. I ended up staying with a couple of my Jewish friends and their families, so I feel like I’m part Jewish now. Nevertheless, BIC has allowed me to learn about other religions and cultures I had only ever heard of before. I most appreciated it when we went to the places of worship (temple, mosque) and we got to directly experience/observe the ritual practices in action.

In spite of how enriching the BIC was for me, its quick pace was definitely overwhelming. I remember feeling very frustrated my freshman year as my roommate would sit around watching t.v. and hanging out with her friends, getting A’s by cramming the night before every test. She never seemed to have homework, and if she did, the assignments were simple things she could do in her other classes. That was certainly not the nature of the New York Times assignment or our many research papers. I would complain to my other friends about how much time I spent reading and writing every night, but they didn’t understand. My BIC friends did, though. I could count on them for a good old fashioned pity party, but also support when I needed to finish a paper, or sometimes a long reading assignment. In the end, I feel like a winner; BIC’s heavy course load helped me ease into upper level classes. Meanwhile, my friends who had such light classes freshman year didn’t know what to do with themselves when they started taking 3000-level plus. I, on the other hand, was over-prepared. In fact, I took my first upper level psychology class my sophomore year. My professor was quite impressed that I was taking his class “so early,” and I did well in it too. The class was simply readings from the textbook, article readings, four article reviews, a term paper, and exams. Thankfully, this is how many of the BIC classes are set up, so I was set up for success. I finally saw a practical perk of being a BICer. 

Why I Chose to Stay in BIC

I had a friend I made through BIC and our mutual major, psychology. She and I would mostly have pity parties together. Mid-way through freshman year, she decided to drop the BIC. I was shocked! I had certainly fantasized about dropping out of it, but I never planned to do it in reality. Actually, by the time I thought I had had enough, it was too late. It wouldn’t have made sense to drop out being so far along. This girl, however, jumped ship in time. I didn’t see her very much in general, but I made a point to follow-up when I saw her a few weeks after she told me the news. She said she was so much happier because she had a lot more free time since leaving the BIC. I was happy for her, and yes, a little jealous, but I felt like I would invalidate my integrity by leaving. I also enjoyed most aspects of the BIC. I told non-BIC friends that I felt as if I was getting more out of my experience at Baylor than other freshmen. I got to take field trips, spend a lot of time with similarly open-minded people, learn from a cool, well-chosen group of professors, and find out what upper level course loads would be like before the fact. Once I rationalized it a bit, it was much more of a blessing than a burden. So, I stayed.

What I Gained from the BIC

The choice to stay in the BIC was an excellent one for my overall scholasticism. One of the most significant ways the BIC has helped me has been in academics. I can’t even explain what my study habits were like in high school. I believe they were nonexistent, at least until I took an AP art history class my senior year. Even then, they were only starting to come together. I had to do poorly on a lot of assignments and fall behind in my classes altogether before I created and carried out a plan of action. Then, after carrying that out, I would get lazy and slack off. I have been a procrastinator all of my life. Only recently did I develop the willpower and necessary skills to overcome procrastination. I have realized again and again how freeing it is to finish something early. There is no stress because it is already finished. It is sad, though, listening to my classmates panic the night before the paper is due; while I try not to smugly bask in completion. I certainly don’t lord it over anyone, I just pat myself on the back for a job well done ahead of time. I remember I once tried to convince a group of complaining fellow BICmen to start early, and they basically said starting early wasn’t their style. They were happy enough in their late-starting ways. It is definitely hard to do, but in my opinion, it is worth it to push myself in that regard. Unfortunately, finishing things early isn’t always possible.

Thanks to BIC, I am well-prepared to take on the real world – in part. The BIC has made me a much more informed consumer of information. I now know how to critically think about what I read, look at both sides of the issue, and choose one for myself. If I come across information that seems too good to be true it is a good idea to check the source the article or news segment cited. It is also wise to read from multiple sources since avoiding bias is nearly impossible. I learned this from Dr. Tatum who has us read about current events in the Middle East in The New York Times and Aljazeera. The BIC atmosphere is a lot like the real world because of the diversity in opinions, cultures, ethnicities, and attitudes. Meanwhile, the Baylor population as a whole is not very diverse. Spending time in the BIC with such an eclectic group of people has given me a more realistic perspective on the many different types of people I’ll meet post-graduation. My good friend, Adrina Pawlak is a philosophy major, minoring in leadership, while I am a psychology major, minoring in business administration. In spite of our similar interests, there are few things at Baylor that would bring us together. On that note, I think it is kind of hard to generalize BIC students. There is a lot of ethnic and cultural diversity. I know several pre-med track students, but there are also a lot of University Scholars and quite a few of us without titles to our degree plan. We have sorority girls, frat boys, and people who would never be caught dead in Greek letters. There are bold, outgoing people, shy, soft-spoken people, and everybody in between. Yet, we all come together to be awesome at yoga, or to learn about the Good.

Speaking of awesome, open-minded people, I have met some of my favorite people at Baylor through the BIC. One of whom was my neighbor my freshman year, the aforementioned Adrina. She is really bright, funny, kooky, and a solid friend. I genuinely appreciate having her around. We both opted to live in Collins instead of the Honors Residential College, so our support system looked different than most BICers. There were a few girls down the hall and around the corner from us who were in BIC. We would share copies of The New York Times and encourage each other against weariness in paper-writing. Adrina and I now work together on staff for one of the residence halls on campus as Community Leaders. I wouldn’t have known her as well if we weren’t in the BIC together starting our freshman year.

In addition to gaining great friends, the BIC has helped me create intimate relationships with my professors. Before coming to college, I had heard of people going to their professors’ office hours to talk them, but only once had I heard of professors and students meeting outside of the academic atmosphere to get coffee. Once I classes started at Baylor, I heard about Dr. Hanks talking to students at Common Grounds. This blew my mind. I thought professors were stuffy, old, and only cared to sit in their office or the classroom until it was time to go home. At least if they were going to socialize it would be with other professors. Thankfully my eyes were opened to the fact that professors are people too, and most of them do what they do in celebration of learning and out of love for students.

My perspective on professors also changed when I walked into my first rhetoric I class. I surveyed the room, comforted when I realized I recognized some faces from Large Group. Everyone was a little tense as we waited for our professor to walk in. He emailed us a week or two before school officially started, encouraging us to start speaking correctly (in the proper tense and with good grammar) as that would positively affect our writing. You can imagine my surprise when a petite, young (really young) woman walked into the room, announcing that she was our professor, Mary Ziehe. She then explained that she was a graduate student working on her dissertation about Beowulf. There were exclamations of excitement from my classmates. “Hey!” “I know that one!” “Cool!” Next, she had us go around and introduce ourselves, including our favorite movie. It was during these introductions that my class began to dig its deep bond. As a collective, we had similar taste in movies: “The Godfather,” “V for Vendetta,” “The Lord of the Rings trilogy,” etc. Our class was good about getting our work done so we had more time to visit and ask Professor Ziehe about her life. We found out that she graduated from Baylor and the BIC program. It was nice to know that people make it out of college (and the BIC) alive and mentally stable. The professor I mentioned before, who met with me about my near inability to present my speech was Professor Ziehe. Over the course of my two semesters in her class, we met for coffee once or twice because she scheduled class paper meetings at Common Grounds, but also just to chat in general. She basically lived (actually still lives) there. She is really clever, spunky, and has a lot of fortitude. I really admire her, and I’ve learned it is important to glean from your people you admire while they’re near. Thus, I made a point to meet with her for coffee a few times outside of our paper briefing sessions. Life got a lot busier after my freshman year, but we have managed to meet a few times more since then. We actually met just a month ago. I told her about the academic journey to come, with my Latin commentary presentation fast approaching. I said I was little worried, but I also had a presentation in a business class that I knew I would deliver well. She encouraged me, saying she was delighted to see how I am thriving in that arena, talking about getting up and speaking like it’s no big deal. She said that especially because of how terrified I was to give that last speech freshman year. I didn’t know this until she said it, but apparently, my speech was one of the best in the class. What a confidence booster! Moreover, this friendship with Ziehe humanized all other professors for me. Since my freshman year, I have made it a point to get familiar with my professors. I don’t get coffee with all of them, but even going to their office hours has become normal and enjoyable.

How This Class and the BIC Have Drawn Together My College Experience

At times, I used to wonder if my professors conspired to teach the same thing. While I can’t say that BIC has significantly influenced my major, I would certainly say my major has influenced what we learn in the BIC. As a psychology major, I have learned about many theories over the years. Some of these theories have been influential enough to appear in many introductory level classes. We reviewed Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs in Examined Life, Freud’s psychoanalytic perspective in a Cultures class as well as Social World.

This class is another tenet of my Baylor experience coming full circle from my freshman year. When I came to Baylor, I only knew one person from high school and that was from the one year of high school I completed in Las Vegas. I had no idea about what churches or people to seek out. I went along to church with my Welcome Week leaders for the first two weeks. After that, Collins, the residence hall in which I stayed, had Church Rush. Through this program, residents could join the featured Community Leader at her church on her assigned Sunday. I went to University Baptist Church with one CL, and loved it so much that I attended it all year. I wanted to get involved in something at the church outside of Sunday service. I saw that they offered a yoga class on Sunday nights. (UBC is very with it). I attended the first Sunday that it was offered and eventually rode with the girl who led it every week, Hannah Starkey. My experience with yoga prior to that was very limited. I would follow early morning yoga sequences on t.v. at home sometimes. My dad bought me a Pilates mat the Christmas before I started at Baylor, so that’s what I brought to UBC yoga every week. I knew enough about yoga to keep up, but I also learned the most about breathing and different poses through this class. Hannah had never taught yoga before, but she was athletic in general and had a determined spirit. She came equipped with her great big book of yoga poses, and encouraged us to do our best to push into hard places without hurting ourselves. This was definitely a stretching time of growth for me. I struggled to execute several poses. I looked on with envy as one member of our group did the headstand and crane pose effortlessly. Now I can proudly do them too, but I have more to the story before we get to the present. The amount of people in the class, and the members of the class varied week by week. Though at the time it felt like a sacrifice, I am really happy that I went to almost all of the classes because it helped me develop my pose-completing abilities significantly. I’m also glad I got to get to know Hannah better. Her athleticism and her gracious, easygoing, loving attitude rubbed off on me a little.

Now, let us fast forward to my junior year of college. During the spring semester, I took Baylor’s “fitness and relaxation” human performance class (also known as yoga). At this point, I continued practicing many of the poses I learned from Hannah when I would stretch before bed, or after working out. I also practiced with yoga videos when I would go home for break, found poses in fitness magazines, and followed sequences from Tara Stiles and YogaJournal instructors online. As a result of keeping up with the practice, I got to pick up close to where I left off my freshman year at UBC. At first, I found Shane’s class a little too easy. He took things pretty slowly, but the pace eventually quickened. I felt challenged by yoga again, and it was welcome. At times I felt uncomfortable because a few people in the class didn’t take it very seriously. I wondered if they felt overshadowed. Soon, I myself felt overshadowed by this girl who must have been a gymnast or a ballerina, because she was tall, slender, and extremely flexible. We usually practiced next to each other in class. She was very intimidating. I never talked to her, but I was pretty jealous because she seemed to get deeper into poses than me, and she was also gorgeous. I basically couldn’t stand her, but I didn’t want to stand down in this “competition” (in my head). At the end of the semester, Shane asked for volunteers to attempt the headstand. Volunteers had to go to the large open, cushion-y mat-covered side of the room to do so. I didn’t want to feel alienated and possibly make a fool out of myself in front of the class, so I rooted down right where I sat. After a few minutes of awkward silence, several brave souls made their way to Shane, one of which was Bendy Barbie. You win, I thought, as I watched her extend into a headstand after brief instruction from Shane. When I got over myself, I started silently cheering the volunteers on, willing them to do well and not hurt themselves; they were doing a great job. I was impressed that they went over there to do something out there and new like that, and even more impressed that they all did it so quickly. I thought I would never do such a thing.

Recently, in our yoga and philosophy class, I got frustrated and discouraged about my lack of ability to do a headstand. Then I realized I just needed to tweak the positioning of my arms and squeeze my glutes a little more. Voila! I did it, and I’ve done it again and again. Until our last class, I had only done the headstand against a wall or my closet, but on the last day, I did one in an open space (with some help from Megan). The other day, I thought I’d try it completely unassisted when I was on a mat at the SLC. I was doing it, until I lost my balance and flipped myself. I’ll have to make quite a few mistakes before I can do it well. As I learned with my formerly poor study habits, this is true with more than just yoga.

What I Learned From This Class

I learned from this class that progress in anything worthwhile takes time. I remember in some of our classes early in the semester, Dr. Schultz alluded to the fact that we would soon do headstands and other advanced, challenging poses. We were having trouble mastering downward-facing dog, and staying balanced in tree pose. How could we possibly do a headstand so soon? Somehow, it happened for all of us. In the same way, I remember feeling hopeless as a freshman as I looked at my degree audit. I was more than 100 credits away from graduating. I didn’t come in with any hours, and I hadn’t mastered any languages enough to test out of classes. How would I possibly graduate in four years? Look at me now: I’m graduating in May! I have come a long way, and I am proud of all this progress. Now there are new mountains to climb: finding a job for my gap year, finding a counseling program that is suitable to me, getting enough money for my own car. I am thankful for the many opportunities to accomplish great things in college, including getting a degree, because it feels easier to accomplish one thing when I’ve already accomplished a few other things.

Suggestions for Changes to the BIC

I know I’m not the only one, but I really enjoyed The New York Times assignment. It’s my favorite paper, and I am glad people who never would have thought to pick it up had the chance to be exposed to it. I know reading such great writing regularly positively contributed to my own rhetorical skills. It didn’t take me long to complete an article. The process was only long if I waited until the last minute, or waited to do all five at once. I would get mentally fatigued if I tried to do more than 3 articles at a time.

Now that I think about it, there isn’t much that I would change about the BIC. Things look rosier in hindsight, but I wouldn’t have bonded with my classmates if we hadn’t gone through such a rigorous academic experience together. I would, however like to talk about class discussions, and the information incoming freshmen receive about the BIC. One significant detail that sets BIC apart is its emphasis on discussion. It always felt like a struggle to get people to speak up in large group. I know this is true, because I refused to volunteer. I can count all the times I spoke up in large group over the course of my BIC career on one hand. My marketing professor this semester would have us turn to our neighbor, or break up in groups and then we would share with the class as a group, or we would just be encouraged to share what we discussed. This could ease students’ anxiety about speaking because there is a group of people who know what they are saying to back them up. Besides, it is less scary to share thoughts with 2 or 3 people than 200.

In my organizational behavior class, I learned about realistic job preview, a tool used to increase retention rates in jobs. It involves giving potential employees positive and negative information about the position they are looking for in order to achieve the best fit for the employee and the company. The BIC might have a stronger retention rate if there were honest video interviews online where most people seem to sign up for the BIC and the Honors program. Our BIC representative at orientation could have pamphlets called, “The Truth about BIC” with the good and the bad as reported by BIC seniors. I would have appreciated an honest look, or even more information in general about the program. [I don’t have any suggestions for changes to the yoga + philosophy class. I love the way class time is structured, the books we read, and our blog discussions].

What I’ve Learned from This Class and the BIC

Practically, I’ve learned a lot about yoga and its origin. The yoga that I have been doing is commercialized asana. I did not realize that yoga was not originally meant to be exercise. It is a great workout, especially in vinyasa form. At the beginning of the semester, I said I was not a fan of philosophy, but I genuinely found the Bhagavad Gita and The Yoga Sutras interesting to read. Yoga has such a large following and a long background. It feels really cool to be part of such a legacy. I’m happy I got to become even more informed about it.

As one of my favorite movie characters says, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around every once in awhile, you could miss it.” Although Ferris Bueller isn’t the best role model, he is right about this: reflecting on the past is very important. I am thankful for the Examined Life classes, because those professors encourage introspection. We are moved through school so quickly; it is an intense 4 years. One has to be intentional about looking back as there isn’t much time for that until the end. This class has allowed me to really think about where I have been, where I am going, and how I feel about what I am doing with my life. One of my favorite things about the yoga practice is that it has taught me how to be mentally present in the current moment. Learning to breathe deeply, focus on a point in space, and center myself to stay balanced in a pose has helped me bring my awareness from what I need to do or haven’t done to what is happening inside of and immediately around me. Physically speaking, I have become a more graceful person because I am aware of my positioning in space. Now that I think about it, the BIC has made me a more aware person in general. I am considerably better informed about current events, world affairs, and other cultures than when I came to Baylor as a freshman. It has been a long process, but I am proud to say I made it through the fire as a sharp piece of metal thanks to my refinery, the BIC. 

Practice Practice

Wah wah. I woke up with a lot of stiffness on the right side of my neck. I was gonna go do some cardio, but I thought better of it. I figured running, thinking about not hurting my neck further would just exacerbate the problem, whereas yoga might alleviate it!

I dropped to the mat found a video from Tara Stiles on relieving neck tension. I did it, and I felt mildly better. Then I thought, I have 3 big papers due on top of finals, maybe this is stress tension. So I did a stress relieving sequence. It didn't relieve the tension in my neck, but it did make me feel better overall :) This might just be one of those days that I have to suck it up and wait for it to get better. Meh. I did a lot of hanging poses like standing forward bend, dropping my head so it could hang. Nuttin like muttin.

On a brighter note, I practiced headstand yesterday and I hardly had to do any leg pumping to get myself up. That was a confidence booster. I was listening to some music, so I told myself I'd stay up for the length of the song. I had a blanket under my head as a cushion, I took deep breaths, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to stay up for 3:05, so I came down just under 3 minutes. Some progress is progress, though. Besides, I'm not trying to hold a world record for longest wall-headstand, haha.

Today is our last practice together! :( *cue "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Green Day*

 <totally forgot about teaching my cat yoga, but he looks a lot like this, so...close enough?

The Practice

I really enjoyed class on Tuesday. I love that our class, as a collective, knows enough now to suggest poses and we can have fun with it. Although, I woke up with a really sore lower back today. I'm not sure if that's from the poses we did or what...I ran on Tuesday for the first time in awhile. Perhaps it was a combination of the two of those. Nevertheless, I've done some twists and standing forward bends. Those have helped alleviate some of the tension. I think the biggest relief will come from laying down. It's been a long day; this is a big week what with papers and projects wrapping up before Thanksgiving.

My hips are also really tight. This is a constant problem. I should just sit in Baddha Konasana all the time...Alright, now I'm actually sitting in the pose, and I do feel better :)

With regards to my pose challenge, I opened up Light on Yoga randomly and found Vrksasana One (tree pose)! This is ironic because this was the pose I chose on Tuesday, haha.

I'm really excited to go home for Thanksgiving, especially because I get to see my cat. In case you start judging me for being a crazy cat lady, I've had my cat since I was 11. He's my best furry friend. I wish I could teach him yoga. He'd be so good at it, haha. When he yawns, he extends his arms forward and moves back on his haunches. I guess you could call that child pose.

This is all over the place. Sorry, I have a hard time talking about one thing for an extended period of time. I found something cool and noteworthy in the appendix of LOY: there are week long asana courses, guided bits on pranyama, and asanas for various ailments! Neat stuff :) Sadly nothing on teleportation or mind reading, Dr. Schultz.

Waking Parts 2.4-4.4

As a person who seeks to avoid pain in her everyday life, I had a hard time working my way though Waking. It is very well written, and hard to put down because it is so readable. Yet, it was necessary for me to put it down because I felt the sadness from the obstacles Young Matt faced unrelenting. He got into a terrible accident, lost his brother and sister, woke up from a coma to find out he was paralyzed, went through many, many surgeries, and poor treatment from medical professionals, and suffered so much loss.

Much of Matt's loss, as a result of the accident, happened in the hospital. He had to give up his sense of privacy since he was unable to care for himself. Also, since he had visitors and hospital staff checking in on him at all hours. Being resigned to a hospital bed for so long, and because of his injuries, he lost his athleticism. That coupled with his ornery digestive system put him at a mere 80 pounds. He was unable to live his normal life. As the younger brother of an accomplished athlete, Matt dreamed of following in his brother's footsteps. Unfortunately, his paralysis made that impossible, to his and Matt's dismay. The paralysis also nullified his abdominal muscles. He nearly got rid of his legs, deeming them unnecessary, but they would prove to be helpful with balance. Possibly, most importantly, he lost the connection between his mind and body. Before Matt underwent his second body cast, an awfully painful experience, his mom suggested that he step outside of his mind. Matt tried this and it worked for him. Subsequently, he used this technique to escape the pain and boredom that were constantly bombarding him in the hospital. Leaving his mind, however, proved to lead to anger and self-hatred.

Brief tangent: There is a blogger I followed on Tumblr, until she deleted her page :( Anyway, she was a broken individual in the sense that she had been mentally and physically abused by many men in her life when she was younger. She overcame an eating disorder and this past abuse to become an inspirational figure to me and to many. She lifted weights and worked out regularly, but had an unabashedly wild love affair with junk food. She explained that she learned to curb her cravings, from binging daily, to having Sour Patch Kids as often as she wanted, but in moderation (a.k.a. not the whole bag). I really admired this girl because she had serious guns (love biceps) and abs. She would laugh (I presume. I would read between the lines), writing about how many people would comment on her "amazing six pack," when really it was a come-and-go sort of thing. She explained it's extremely hard to get and maintain abs like that. Some people are just not geared for that genetically. Then she said something that stuck with me, "you may not ever have abs, but you can always have biceps." Arms are much easier to tone than abs. I am a testimony to that. Though my biceps are small, they are pretty toned, and they got that way after I worked up to 15-30 pushups a day for a few weeks. I thought about all of this fondly as Matt almost self-deprecatingly compares himself to Dwight the thrill-seeker with "ham hock" arms.

I'm not sure what I was expecting to read about Matt's experience with yoga, but I wasn't expecting it to be so relatable. He wrote about his first experience practicing yoga with Jo almost as something mystical. I felt so moved when he related to Jo that the last time he had spread his legs wide like that was before the accident. (His life has two markers of time: birth and pre-/post-accident). Nevertheless, Matt felt the powerful charges the body releases during the yoga practice. Since, in yoga, we are moving in ways differently than we're used to, our body parts get warm and excited by their newfound significance. This is especially true in the case of Matt's legs, having been resigned to a wheelchair for twelve years. I was just surprised as he was that, as someone who tried so hard to sever his mind-body connection, was so quickly able to feel so much. He benefited from the practice of yoga immediately :)

Cycling back a little bit, Matt explained how awkward it was for him 1. pulling in to yoga class after class and 2. doing it in a wheelchair. As he waited, he noticed the students lingering afterward, "with a shapeless need." That's absolutely right! Once our class gets going, we scramble out the door, but after Dr. Schultz says her closing blessing, we're all sitting in a blissful, haze. The line about "gratitude toward the people you've had the opportunity to practice with" often makes me want to shout, "we did it y'all!!!" but shouting is generally socially unacceptable in classrooms and it would throw off our yogic groove, so I just happily think that to myself. It is amazing, though, the bond that people build from exercising together. My best friend and I didn't become best friends until we started running together on the weekends. Although, I feel a connection toward the people in my weight training class, but it's not the same as in BIC yoga + philosophy. I'm sure that is partly because I at least knew of everyone in the latter, and knew no one in the former. The people who are closest in my weight training class are those who train together in the gym. The rest of us are just mod podge. Everyone runs out the door after class, with their workout buddy. There is no peaceful lingering or real class unity, which is fine. To me, it makes our yoga class feel even more special.

Back to Matt, the chapter "Body Memories" really captured my attention. I have heard of people having mental flashbacks before, but never physical ones. Sanford explained that it wasn't until he had the surgery to remove the rods that he knew how his body felt as it went through the accident (since he had no memory of these events). I can't imagine how terrifying that surgery was for everyone involved. The agitated doctor probably didn't know it was "phantom" pain that led Matt to act so spastically during the surgery, at least not at first. And Matt had no idea what had happened until after he woke up. How disorienting, reliving a violent accident again and again according to circumstances beyond your control? Matt came to the realization that his body was pressing on forward in all of those times when he mentally checked out. That is pretty amazing to think about...God has made our bodies to do serious battle. They can handle a lot. Matt's sure did. "My body did not ask for the rupture that it experienced, but it somehow survived it." It was his mind that was a little too weak. "I did not mean to take [my body] for granted" (Chapter 13). He realized consequences of letting his mind leave his body.

Near the end of the book, Sanford says, "my life has taught me that there is a wealth of strength within us; there is nothing we cannot handle." The events of his life have definitely made him a witness to that truth. I think anyone who reads Waking will be encouraged to believe it, too.

The Practice

I've been sick all of this week, so my practice is at a standstill. I have a post nasal drip, a runny nose, and a cough. Just sitting and reading is a bother. I really want to practice my headstand, but putting any more pressure on my head right now seems like a bad idea.

Thankfully, all is not lost. Since the Baddha Konasana Challenge started last week, I have been taking five minutes everyday to practice the pose, as suggested by Dr. Schultz. I am extremely close to reaching that goal, as predicted by Dr. Schultz. I need to pick a new pose for the week...hmm...

Lately, I've been worrying a lot about my future, group projects, final papers, the fact that finals are in less than a month...all that to say, I've been carrying a lot of tension in my neck and upper body, so I have been doing big toe pose a lot (and it's variation with the hands under the feet).

I would really like to get in the habit of doing yoga for a little bit every day as a restorative practice. Since starting college, I have gotten into the habit of taking a daily nap for 30 minutes every day. A friend recently challenged me to spend two of those 30 minutes sessions on other things that bring me joy. The first things I thought of were things that I think I should do, like craft and blog, but yoga slipped past me. I'm definitely going to give my sick self some nap time soon, but after that, I'm gonna get my yoga on...even if it's just practicing Baddha Konasana.

Waking 1.4

I feel really deceived by Matthew Sanford. The book started off gently enough, with him sliding out of bed to   practice pranayama. I thought, oh, it's unfortunate that he is paralyzed, but look what he can do. Yay! When suddenly, I get thrown into the hospital room when he finds out about his paralysis. Well, I guess that's good authorship because I'm only feeling a small fraction of what he felt.

At this point, I'm only in the fourth chapter of the book, but he does an excellent job with character development. I feel as though I know his family personally. I have a lot of compassion for them and I hardly know what to do with it, as this is a book, and I can't exactly ship casserole or cake to this grieving family in their past state...I am so proud of them all. Laura Kathleen's boyfriend was so consistent and intentional about sticking around when I'm sure it was devastatingly hard looking into the eyes of his beloved's family members, seeing her through them. Perhaps that also made it easier? Matt's mom, Paula was incredibly strong, losing almost half of her family, fighting for her son, and keeping everyone grounded. And, of course, Matt is a champ. It broke my heart reading that he said to his first girlfriend he would rather die than live the rest of his life in a wheelchair. I thought, what a tactless thing to say! and then, bless his heart for bravely enduring the pain of the accident and learning to live life with limited mobility.

Reading Waking is reminding me of what unfortunate places hospitals can be...Sanford talks about the awful food, and what a joy it was when he received a room with a television. Good grief! I've been fortunate enough to not spend a lot of time in hospitals in my life thus far. It seems to me that in a place with so much suffering, people should be living luxuriously! Maybe this is me being happy-go-lucky, but it makes sense. If I'm sitting upright for days in recovery, I'd like some current magazines and a foot massage. Perhaps people with money arrange that kind of stuff themselves...Anyway, if hospitals had stuff like that I suppose no one would want to leave, and that'd be a problem for the new batch of hurt people.

The part of Waking that I read most recently was Sanford's family's prophecies about the accident. Wow. These are interesting to read. It's amazing, first of all, that they remembered all of that, and secondly how applicable they were to the accident! I wonder how many times we miss things like this in our own lives. How could they have known beforehand, though? It's not as if they could have escaped the accident with those clues. It seems to have brought them closure, and that's what is most important.

Gita 17-18

As I read about renunciation, I thought about how in Christianity, we say that you ought to give (tithe), and do nice things for others without expecting a reward. This chapter went further to say that one should not do things expecting a reward, but also avoid worrying about the outcome. Many a time I have done the opposite: I avoid things I think will be painful or excessively hard. I have been learning to get over this in college, but I have grown to love doing things well so much so that I stick to the same old things I know I can do well out of fear of failure or rejection. I didn't play sports in high school or do intramurals here because I hated the idea of letting my team down by performing poorly. I'm in Latin IV this semester, and I feel extremely uncomfortable in that class. Many of my classmates are Classics majors or are for whatever reason quite well-versed in Latin, whereas I spend my time on the homework with my Latin dictionary glued to my hand. Thankfully, the class is more about analyzing literature and expounding on it than parsing and identifying grammatical things so I enjoy it a lot more than Latin I & II. Even more thankfully, people keep reminding me that doing my best is what is most important. I want to be like a sattvic worker, who is "free from egotism and selfish attachments, full of enthusiasm and fortitude in success and failure alike." 18.26-27

The Practice

I loved that our class today was like yoga's greatest hits...or freestyle yoga if you will :) We all shared our favorite pose, and it was interesting to see what people chose. It was nice to see some poses we used to do come back again. There were a few poses that I didn't want to see come back, but thankfully, those were temporary...We did shoulder stand today. Ever since I learned about that pose in yoga last semester, I have pulled it out at least weekly, plowing and standing on my shoulders without a care. Little did I know, that my footloose and carefree attitude could have wrecked my neck! Now I know better :D

I don't really have anything structured to say...
-Squeezing my back muscles helps me get into my downward dog further.
-I'm still having a lot of trouble with the wheel.
-Legs up the wall never feels particularly great for me. Maybe I should start putting a blanket under my back or something.

Hmm. I just started reading my friends' (classmates') blogs for inspiration because I don't know what else to say about ze practice. I made a goal last year to do the splits fully. I can get pretty close to the ground, but I want more! I need to get back to working on that daily. Ah-ha! I think I'll start trying a new pose from Light on Yoga/day. If that proves to be too challenging, I'll make it a pose a week, depending on the difficulty of the pose. Oh, I'm so excited! This week I'll start with the challenge posed by Dr. Schultz: progressing toward Baddha Konasana Three (and splits).

Gita 13-14

14.23 "Established within themselves, they are equal in pleasure and pain, praise and blame, kindness and unkindness. Clay, a rock, and gold are the same to them. Alike in honor and dishonor, alike to friend and foe, they have given up every selfish pursuit. Such are those who have gone beyond the gunas."

Well that's pretty cool, I thought when I read that line about equity in the elements. It would be great to not care about the frivolous things of this world such as riches because I could be happy with a little. I read about people who have reduced their amount of stuff, reverse hoarders if you will, and they talk about how nice it is not to have so many things literally cluttering their life. Losing stuff is stressful! Breaking stuff is sad! To me anyway...
I believe having less stuff to keep up with, especially at the rate with which technology is advancing, would be really nice.

Also, I thought I would share the first thing I thought of when I read "alike to friend and foe," because it's funny. Recently, a friend showed me a modern video blog version of Pride and Prejudice. (All of the characters are depicted as typical Western young people in the 21st century. It's called the "Lizzie Bennet Diaries" if you're interested). Jane is introduced as a kind soul who greets her friends, the mailman, and her enemies the same way, "Hi, how are you? It's so nice to see you!" How marvelous would it be to put away spite, actually seeing people as equal, and not just putting on a fake happy face...

The Gita and the Yoga Sutras

As we talked about bhakti in class today, I thought about how it could contribute to becoming one with God.  I've heard a lot lately, that out of love for God, one ought to do everything one does on His behalf. Friends of mine who have adopted this philosophy have explained that all they have is from Him, so it only makes sense to turn it back to Him. A resident of mine just said this morning that when she was in high school, her parents gave her the choice to go to church or not. She said at first, she took advantage of the opportunity to  sleep in at home. After awhile, however, she decided that in spite of how busy she was with school and sports, she would go to church again because God was the only reason she was excelling (and therefore kept busy by) sports and school. Colossians 3:23 sums it up well, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." According to the Gita one should devote all of one's actions to one's deity, whereas the Yoga Sutras direct readers to follow specific spiritual disciplines, such as reading sacred texts, practicing yoga, stilling the fluctuations of the mind.

I suppose I should prefer the former because it allows for more leeway in showing my devotion to God. I mean, I may do homework earnestly, for God, as opposed to being limited by traditional forms of spiritual devotion such as scripture reading. 

There are many noble/mundane things one can do for God, such as study, cook for someone, make a craft (sorry, the imagination bank is running dry). It makes me laugh to think that a person who is new to a certain religion and isn't being discipled in the ways of the faith might misinterpret the aforementioned scripture. A thief could say, well, I'm taking this stuff for my poor friends, in the name of God! Hmm...

HEADSTAND

Challenge: conquered.

I think I've done the headstand five times today. I got up to practice it this morning, and got my legs (and butt) up to the wall! Out of excitement and pride, I did it several times throughout the day to show my friends and myself that I can do it. Unfortunately, it's a little uncomfortable for my head, so I don't stay in the pose for more than a few minutes. Nevertheless, I've done what has felt impossible! I never did headstands/cartwheels and the like growing up, so this is like the big time for me :)

We did the crane pose in class the other day. My journey with that reminds me of this headstand thing.
I first encountered the crane pose a few years ago. I showed a video of it to my dad...out of frustration at my inability to do it. He said, "oh that?" Done. Just like that!
"Really, Dad? Ugh..." He put me to shame. Of course he gave me pointers and suggested I tighten my abs, and really lean into it, casting aside fear of falling forward. I did all that, and only improved a little. For a long time, I practiced it every couple of days. I got to the point where I could do the pose, but I could hold it only for seconds, or I would be able to hold it for a minute, but that was 1 in 10 or so...Now, I'm much better at holding the pose, balancing.

Huzzah :)

Gita Response Ch. 9-10

When I read 9.11-12 "The foolish do not look beyond the physical appearances to see my true nature as the Lord of all creation. The knowledge of such deluded people is empty; their lives are fraught with disaster and evil and their work and hopes are all in vain." I thought of a conversation I had over lunch once with my Jewish and atheistic friends. I wondered aloud how my life would be if I was not a Christian. I said something about how it would be really easy to get caught up in the things of this world and be morally loose. Of course, I wasn't trying to be haughty. I still sin and am still tempted by my innately sinful nature, but it's my Christian duty to eschew those desires with a firm hand. So I do, to the best of my ability. My friends aren't a      
wild and crazy bunch, but there were areas in which we disagreed, part of which I would attribute to my faith. In this case, my friends argued that I would probably be the same person because of my parents' moral values. I had a hard time arguing, especially as the only Christian and "religious" person in the group. I am not calling my friends/non-Christians foolish, but I do think it would be hard to get through life without the spirit of the Lord, a relationship with the Savior, and amazing things to look forward to after this life.

Gita: Thoughts on Meditation

I've tried meditation before, and I find it so challenging. I've also done some reading on it prior to this class, and most people seem to struggle with it. I find that very comforting, because it is a challenge to slow and focus my normally rapid fire thoughts that are all over the place. I love how Krishna talks about it simply. He is not at all condescending or hyperexpectant. I feel as though if he were with me in person, he would encourage me to take my time and do my best. "You'll get there soon. Be patient," he would say.

What a feat! to conquer the senses. I have never heard of yogis lying on a bed of nails or being buried alive before. I thought it was impressive enough in Eat, Pray, Love when Gilbert was able to ignore flies because she was in such a peaceful state of meditation. Nevertheless, these reminders of how meditation can have significantly positive effects encourages me to give it another go. It will undoubtedly start with some hesitancy and frustration. (I'm very impatient and I like to be good at everything. Sometimes when things get hard, I get  discouraged to the point of avoiding that thing). Meditation seems like a great way to build character, and get over myself, haha.

Outside Headstand Inspiration

I’m having the most frustrating time with headstand. I’ve always been afraid of them because of what Megan was saying about hurting my neck. The other day a friend of mine came over and I decided to try a headstand against the wall. After launching my legs and flailing, and failing, I had her pull my legs up to the wall. I spend so much time doing the windmill-like leg pumping move. If they aren’t already, my legs are gonna be really strong soon! The hardest part for me is getting my legs up and to stick to the wall/stay up. It seems that Sarah and Rachel had a lot of success with the butt-to-the-wall method. When I can invert again, I will definitely try that.

Outside of headstands, I feel like I’m grooving along in yoga. I don’t feel as if I’m making a lot of progress in my downward dog, but Dr. Schultz said we’re all improving. Even if it’s a small margin of change, I’ll take it! Something is better than nothing, and really, not getting worse is part of The Goal. On that note, I saw this great inspirational video on YouTube the other day. The following is from a documentary called “Inspire: The Movie” which followed several people on the journey to better themselves by getting healthy. This particular story caught my attention because he found healing through yoga. (YEAH!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOSdRjUfF_Q

I love a good before and after story. It’s amazing to watch what we can do if we choose to get out of our own way and put our all into something. When I grumbled in frustration about my inability to get my lil legs up to the wall, my friend showed me that video. Dude does a headstand in it! I was so proud! I’m going to start practicing every day until I can stay in headstand with my legs up unassisted. Eventually, I’ll do the “bunny hop” version :D

The Gita Response 1

As I read Sri Krishna's advice to Arjuna in Chapter 2, I felt as though he was talking directly to me. I am fasting with my church for the next few days. The first time I fasted was last year, and I skipped dinner. It was awful. I had a bunch of meetings and homework, so it was hard for me to focus on anything but being hungry. Instead of spending time with God when I felt famished, I had to work. This time around, I took my parents' advice to do the Daniel fast, which basically involves cutting out processed foods. I've given myself some leeway since my diet is largely centered around what is served in the dining hall. I'm not about to skip my morning veggie omelette because it's cooked in canola oil. 

This is day one of my three day (unless it's working well for me, but we'll see) Daniel fast and I have already had a little slip up. I was sticking to my dietary guns today until I got to my staff meeting where my coworkers were passing around Chex Mix and peanut M&Ms. My goodness. My weakness for chocolate was made strong...the first time the bag got passed around. After that, it just sat there. I watched everyone else happily pop those candy colored treats of salty and sweet treats into their mouths. I quickly reasoned with myself that it was social snacking. (I'm shaking my head now...) THIS IS WHAT KRISHNA'S WARNING AGAINST! I should have read this before staff meeting. 2.67 "When you let your mind follow the call of the senses, they carry away your better judgment as storms drive a boat off its charted course on the sea." Unfortunately, I lost sight of my goal. I let the big yellow bag of candy sit in my line of sight. I neglected to give more power to the reasonable side of things, in that there are things that are better for me like vegetables, and scripture (I'm not equating the two, I'm just trying to make my point). Krishna is right, in the line before that, 2.66, "The disunited mind is far from wise; how can it meditate? How be at peace? When you know no peace, how can you know joy?" It is hard enough praying in the midst of sugar withdrawals, but it's harder still with a guilty conscience. Nevertheless, all I can do is pick up and do better tomorrow :)

Yoga from the Inside Out: Final Response

I've felt really overwhelmed lately. Actually, I've felt overwhelmed since I started college. Nevertheless, the stress in my life has been at an all time high recently. I look at my schedule and I say, hmm, what can I cut out? I'm involved in a lot of things, but I love those things and Baylor, so I'm not going to cut anything. Fortunately, I've found areas in which I can cut back. Unfortunately, it seems as if as soon as I trim, the hedges get overgrown even faster than before. I'm doing the best that I can with the time that I have, and I was reminded as I read the epilogue that all I can do is keep moving forward, or as Sell said, "keep going." Every day can't be made of sunshine, rainbows, and cancelled classes, so I just have to do my best, knowing that everything will be alright.

Sell described her kula, the family of her heart. I've been thinking about which group of people in my life I would consider my kula. It's hard to say, because I have friends from high school with whom I was close, but we're slowly drifting apart. Then I have my staff and my residents, who are all great, but I don't feel as intimately close with them as others. There are quite a few people with whom I am intimately close in that I would tell them my secrets and things that aren't secret, but that I just don't care to share with the world. I am a vulnerable person, though, so that's not very telling. I suppose my kula consists of three friends, two of whom are close, and one of whom is just getting to know those two. I talk about everything with them, especially where I'm at in my health and fitness realm. We don't talk seminar style, but when I'm talking with them respectively, those things come into the conversation. In fact, one of them helped me with my headstand the other day. (I have a hard time getting my legs up :( None of them are committed to maintaining a healthy active lifestyle like me, but that's more than fine because they all support me in my endeavors. Sometimes I think it would be easier for me to be consistent in my pursuits if I had more liked-minded friends. At the same time, it makes the challenge of doing right by myself even sweeter because I'm doing it on my own. Furthermore, it feels good to be able to motivate others. At least, I hope I motivate them instead of making them feel judged...

I thoroughly enjoyed Yoga from the Inside Out. It was written well; plainly enough to understand the meaning of the Sanskrit words. I really appreciated how honest and vulnerable Sell and her contributors were about their experiences with yoga and how it affected their lives. This book gave me a lot of insight about how yoga was originally intended, how it is marketed now, and how it's alright that many people use it in many different ways.

Yoga from the Inside Out Response 3

The whole chapter of "Accepting 'What Is'" resonated with me. One of my favorite parts was when Sell talked about why she liked wearing black tights to class. She explained that they were perfect for covering up her imperfections and things she was not yet ready to publicize. A yogini, via her sister, challenged her to avoid wearing black tights, or anything for that matter which restricted the body physically and kept others from the truth. In spite of how painful it may be to come to terms with our flaws, it can be even more painful to keep them hidden. Realizing this, Sell ditched the tights. She explained how free she felt when she switched to wearing yoga bloomers instead of her formerly beloved tights. She was literally free to move without restriction, but she was also metaphorically more free because she was not hiding anymore. The cut of these shorts allowed students to see proper form and how the muscles moved when the pose was executed correctly.

Similarly, if we act as if we are doing well all the time, we are encouraging people to keep their less than happy emotions inside. This is why I don't like the ubiquity of the phrase, "how are you?" People seem to feel as if it is more necessary to ask how someone is doing than to simply smile at them. Even "hello" is better than an insincere "how are you?" especially because it is rare that someone would care enough to sit and listen if the response is, "not well - here's why..." Anyway, I wish it was socially acceptable to be more vulnerable and up front with our feelings. I think we would all be healthier if we didn't hold things up so tightly...No one can smile all the time.

As Sell went on, she discussed the importance of loving oneself unconditionally. It is easy to set goals and believe everything will be perfect once x, y, z goals are achieved. Nevertheless, that isn't how it should be. We must start making peace with ourselves now, learning to love a new part each day. Part of that process is lovingly accepting what is real. When I read this part of the chapter, I thought of the television show "What Not to Wear." For those who don't know, WNW is a show hosted by two fashion experts, Clinton and Kelly, who make it their mission to make over the wardrobe and look (makeup and hair) of a person whose friends and family have submitted their name as a fashion don't. WNW is funny because the hosts are very blunt and free with truthfulness, but things get serious and emotional when the contestant is confronted. They feel attacked and silly once they see how unfortunate/odd they looked through the eyes of strangers. As the hosts of the show talk with contestants about the root of their eclectic stylish ways, the reason often draws back to low self esteem. People who are heavy set will often wear clothes that are several sizes too big because they think it makes them look small. The hosts remind the contestants that they must dress the body they have, not the body they want. We must love ourselves for who we are, where we are. It's important to dream, but it's even more important to treat your current self with respect and unconditional love.

Yoga from the Inside Out Response Two

The second fourth of the book talked about treating the body as temple according to kaya sadhana which refers to using the body as a means for change. This, as opposed to how I normally perceive yoga and other exercises, is very different from using exercise to change the body itself. It wasn't until I got to college that I realized I could grow spiritually through my body. It's a sacred temple which I should revere and respect, especially because it is a house for my delicate soul. I find comfort in the fact that despite how my body wears and tears over the course of my life, my soul and spirit will be constant. Hopefully they will be growing positively, but the point is that they don't age or weaken like my body inevitably shall. Nevertheless, I must try to my utmost to keep my body running well in a state of healthfulness partly out of respect for my soul, but also because I'll experience life to the fullest if I am physically well. I think this is different for everyone, simply because we're all different. For me, being kind to myself includes getting 7-9 hours of sleep. I can function well enough on less than that, but there's a noticeable difference in my ability to focus and my eating habits are pretty poor when it's day 2 or 3 of 5 hours of sleep. I also eat a lot of fruits and vegetables because I really like the taste and the juiciness. When I'm traveling or for whatever reason don't have some fruit and/or veggies for more than a day or two, I feel groggy and insatiably thirsty, even if I am drinking a lot of water. I've learned that my body requires a lot of downtime, which I'm usually not willing to give it, thanks to my Type A tendencies. As a result, I do my best to take a 30-45 minute nap everyday since I have a hard time "doing nothing," that is, sitting up and letting myself be. I feel best when the aforementioned things are happening in my favor.

Yoga works wonders for people who are mental wanderers. I used to, and still do but less frequently, let my mind wander off in conversation, in class, basically anytime. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with daydreaming, but life isn't meant for us to tune out, or stare the clock down wishing minutes and days away...As Sell said, "Like pearls strung together to make a beautiful necklace, the moments we stay conscious and present will string together to form our lives and our practices." I get a lot more out of my day when I am intentional about being happy/mentally present wherever I am. If I may be a little morbid, I'm not guaranteed every day, and so I have to take advantage of what God has given to me. For example, I took biology my freshman year here, and I would zone out nearly every class period. I ended up getting a less than stellar grade in the class, and I can partly attribute that to my mental check out. It was really disrespectful of me to let that continue to happen that way. I wasn't giving my professor credit, and I wasn't doing myself any favors by missing out on the lecture. Turning it back to yoga, I have to be fully engaged in practicing yoga - making sure my alignment is right, my ribs are pulled back, buttock flesh down, and that I'm taking steady breaths. It's a lot! but it pays dividends. Once I cultivated the skill of multitasking (for lack of a better word) in my yoga sessions, it was easier to be present when listening to my friends in conversation, and eventually listen better in my classes.

Whack Back

I've thoroughly enjoyed the challenge of the headstand, and wall poses...until today.

This morning, in my weightlifting class, my coach led us through the P90X abs circuit. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't impossible because I had done it once before. He reminded us to stretch for a few minutes before we left class. I dutifully stretched, but forgot something extremely important until now (eveningtime). When you do a lot of work on one portion of the body (like the core, abs), you have to work the backside of it (in this case - the back)! Unfortunately, we did minimal back exercises, and I neglected to remember to do some on my own. Now I'm afraid to do any because my back aches and feels really tight.

My friend who is a health science studies major suggested lying on a pillow with my arms up until I felt my back relax. It might be my impatience keeping me from doing that for as long as I need to, but I didn't feel a change in the tension of my back. All this is to say I have not practiced Headstand since class. Depending on how I feel tomorrow before class, I'll do the L pose. I really like that one, and I don't think it will feel as burdensome on my body as the headstand pose would...

Sutra Response

2.33 When improper thoughts disturb the mind, there should be constant pondering over the opposites.
2.34 Improper thoughts and emotions such as those of violence- whether done, caused to be done, or even approved of- indeed, any thought originating in desire, anger or delusion, whether mild medium or intense- do all result in endless pain and misery. Overcome such distractions by pondering on the opposites.

It's easy to let improper thoughts fester and sit, but it is important to challenge them head on.

Let me explicate with a real life example (and a lot of vulnerability - get ready). I really love sweets. I know we are genetically dispositioned to enjoy desserts, fruit, and the like, but I tend to be gluttonous about my love for ice cream, cookies, cookie cake, etc. Thankfully, suppressing that flaw is a work in progress. A lot of people give me flak for thinking this way since I'm both petite and slender. For me, the problem is not a weight issue, but (potentially surprisingly) a dental one. My teeth look good now, but that's because they had spacers, fillings, sealants, braces, and a retainer. Aside from a genetically weak enamel covering my teeth, a large amount of my dental issues (namely the cavities) came as a result of my insatiable desire for sweets.

Thoughts about sweets (specifically dessert-type things such as doughnuts or cookies) plague me multiple times a day. Let's call these improper thoughts. There isn't anything wrong with wanting or having a brownie, but having a brownie and an ice cream sandwich everyday, for example, is not an appropriately balanced diet. I walk into Collins Cafe and have a cookie. Yay! Now I want at least one more. Instead of hopelessly dwelling on my desire for more than is necessary, the sutras wisely suggest thinking about the opposite. Thus, I can eat my cookie slowly, savoring it with milk or a little bit of soft serve instead of mindlessly pounding several cookies. Or I could plan ahead and eat a meal heavy in protein and whole grains, filling myself up with delicious wholesome foods that I enjoy, such as tomatoes (they're the best!). Then, when it comes to dessert time at the end of my meal, I won't want dessert, or won't want much because I'll have eaten my fill. A final alternative might be to consider the consequences of my actions before making a decision. Instead of hushing my conscience, I would do well to listen to it, "Tyler, if you want your body, especially your teeth to be at their best, you should bypass that platter of cake balls."

Even simply pondering these thoughts too intently could be dangerous. If I think about how I'm "depriving" myself, I'll feel even more upset. It's important that I remind myself of the good that doing the opposite of what my flesh wants is truly for the best...even when it's hard and peers try to pressure.

Response to Yoga from the Inside Out

I am currently working my way through Christina Sell's memoir Yoga from the Inside Out. I strongly identify with what she has said thus far. In the book, she is chronicling her journey from being at war with her body to loving herself wholly. Her methods of warfare, disrespecting her temple, ranged from bulimia to over-exercising. According to her summary of her adolescence, she struggled with an eating disorder that started with binging and purging and evolved into a struggle to perfect the art of proper diet and exercise. An important note she made in that regard was about the different industries in the world. She explained that the modeling industry and the fitness industry (among others) equally do us a disservice because they glorify certain body types instead of glorifying self-love and healthy living.

Sell received counseling and medical consultations on how to revive her body from the battle wounds left by her eating disorder. She learned how to eat for her health and exercise to regulate her diet. Her main mode of exercise was yoga, which not only helped her maintain her weight, but also her mental health. Soon, she became an aerobics an indoor cycling instructor when she was en route to participating in a bodybuilding competition. She was motivated to get her figure into a competitive shape. Unfortunately, it was then that her addictive tendencies resurfaced with exercise. Sell was over-training, and sometimes binging and purging.

In spite of her relapse, her physique was close to what the competitive fitness industry considers perfection. Nevertheless, Sell was unhappy. She described herself as "tired, constantly hungry, irritable, and unfocused." Her body was constantly aching, and her muscles were so tight, that she had trouble simply walking normally. She broke down emotionally when she went to a yoga workshop. As she folded into herself, her instructor confronted her, saying that while she excelled at persevering, it was time to let go.

While I have never struggled with an eating disorder, or competed in a bodybuilding competition, I find both of those subjects fascinating. As I mentioned in one of my first blog posts here, I did not get into fitness and health (e.g. being active several times a week and eating mostly whole, natural, unprocessed foods - save for sweets on the regular) until college. My personality might be described as Type A. I like getting things done as soon as possible, as well as possible, and I often let things that are out of my control stress me out. When I came to college, I realized exercising and regulating my diet help mollify my intense nature. During my freshman year, I ran a lot - frequently, not in quantity. I got shin splints, so I stopped running so much. In these past few years, I've picked up weightlifting and doing body weights exercises like push-ups for exercise. I love it, and I definitely get obsessive sometimes. I don't like taking rest days because I usually feel as though I can do more physically. I'm learning how significant rest is though...

A much less pleasant lesson I've learned in college is that I can easily work myself until I burn out. I've gotten sick pretty frequently these past few years, especially in the semesters that I've been serving as a Community Leader. I'm sure part of it is due to living in a small space with so many people, but I also know the other big part of it is that I try so hard (harder than necessary, probably) in every area of my life. I internalize my accomplishments, but I heavily weigh my mistakes against myself. I would say that's how I identify with Sell most, is having to learn to rest, physically, but also spiritually. I strive and strive and wish and hope, but things always work out better when I literally let things rest in God's hands*. I'm also learning that muscles rebuild faster when you give them time to heal than when you keep working out because they keep tearing. I try not to criticize myself so much when I make a mistake, and instead turn to God in gratitude for his infinite grace.

*I spent all of this week worrying because there's one last book I need to buy for a class. Since CLing doesn't pay the big bucks, and I'm paying for the GRE/grad school applications, I can't afford to spend more on textbooks. I told God that in prayer, and then kept reminding myself to make the circuits to find the lowest price for the book on Amazon, Chegg, etc. Today, I checked the library website for kicks to see if the book was in our library here.
IT WAS.
I have it now.
God is stretching my faith in Him practically, and I'm not complaining ;)

Sutras Response

2.10 These patterns when subtle may be removed by developing their contraries.

Once upon a time, I went on a job interview. It was a pretty bad one as far as my ability to convince the interviewer I was right for the position, but it was great because I learned a lot from that experience. Something poignant the interviewer explained to me was how she dealt with her flaws and strengths. She acknowledged the fact that everyone has things they do well, and others not so well. As she continued, she said one of the most significant contributors to her success was what she called baselining. Upon finding out the things she did not do well, she worked hard to go from failing at them, to doing alright. Her point was that being average at many things outweighs being great at doing #1, and awful at 2-10. In that regard, developing the thought streams and spiritual disciplines counters the afflictions, as does minimizing one's egotistic thoughts (for example). On that note, we want to get the afflictions even lower than baseline status; to zero if possible.

Furthermore, we have active ways of minimizing our afflictions, through yoga (exercise) and meditation. Not only do these things act as distractions from those things which afflict us, but they help us to reconnect with our inner selves, who want what is best. When we withdraw from the world - in - we see things more clearly. Fleeing inward, especially toward God, literally redirects us from the negative things of this world such as greed, and ignorance to holier, life giving things, like Truth and love for others.

Sugar Sugar (Honey Honey)

I've figured it out! Yoga is like a dance to some...perhaps something check off a list for others.

I just realized what yoga is for me...it's like sugar. Bear with me...
A lot of people use sugar (or salt in some cases) to intensify the flavor of something. It brings pep to something that was formerly "blah" or so-so. Well, I just got home from class and work; I had a nice little nap, but I was feeling tight all over. My first thought was to stretch, but I also wanted to hear something fun. So, I put on some Justin Timberlake, and then some Feist (my music is all over the place, yes) and got into my yoga groove (pun intended). I stretched, bopped, and sung to the music, elated. I love listening to music, and I like being active, so marrying the two seemed like a good idea.

In the middle of this mini yoga session, a fellow CL knocked on my door to tell me that she is going to start staff-wide yoga sessions set to her Insanity Yoga DVD. (Insanity Yoga?! Look at that...another challenge :) Once again, I love my staff (spending quality time with people in general really), so this is another beautiful marriage: staff time and stretchin'. I'm excited! I'll be sure to follow up with how it goes.

I am obviously a big fan of yoga, but I hope that if I wasn't so into it, I would find ways (like the aforementioned) to make it a more enjoyable experience. I hope this has inspired people from class (or the blogosphere, I guess) to shake up how you do what you do. Make it sweet :)

Challenge Accepted

I have thoroughly enjoyed our yoga class these past few weeks. I'm really excited about what is to come. Last semester, I took Baylor's yoga HP ("fitness and relaxation?" I call it "yoga" anyway...). As a result of that class, and taking a yoga class my freshman year here, I consider myself somewhat advanced. The poses we've done have been at most moderately challenging to me, simply because I've been introduced to most of them before. Nevertheless, I have learned that I need to make modifications to some poses, as I have been doing them incorrectly, or am too short to do some in certain ways (such as supta virasana on the bolster or the shoulder stand on two blankets instead of three).

What has made the class so great, in my opinion, is the zeal for which we are approaching yoga as a class. From my perspective, no one has been shamed for falling or losing their balance. This might be partly due to the fact that we have a desire to get the poses down well. Everyone gives it the old college try. In my yoga class last semester, there was a guy who obviously didn't want to be there. He would come to class late every day, audibly plop himself onto the mat with a sign, and exert minimal effort into his practice. It was frustrating to see. It was also inconsiderate of him to put forth so little, when our instructor and the rest of the class made a conscious effort to get to class on time and make a solid attempt at the poses.
On that note, Dr. Schultz mentioned that we are on our way to doing headstands.

What?

I've never done a handstand in my life, not to mention a headstand. My yoga instructor asked for volunteers during one of our last sessions of the semester to learn how to do headstands in front of the class. A few brave souls stepped up. The rest of us had looked on sheepishly as they raised their hands, then boldly leaned forward to see how they fared. They all did well. I was proud and impressed. Now, it seems I have no choice but to step forward and learn myself. I'm partly terrified, partly excited. I liken it to my experience ziplining a month  ago. I'm afraid of heights, or as someone who was in line with me said, I'm afraid of falling from high up. I didn't really want to go, but I knew it'd be somewhat fun, and a good experience. Once I got  on the platform, I almost unhooked myself and walked away. I actually took a deep breath, and jumped. It was awful at first, and then it was amazing. I felt like I was flying!

I doubt doing a headstand will feel like flying, but it'll feel cool to say I did it. I'm up for the challenge :)

"Fixity" of the mind on the Lord

Somehow, I didn't think spiritual disciplines would come up in this class...It is, after all, a yoga and philosophy class. Nevertheless, they have, and now that I have read about them, it makes sense. Yoga itself is a spiritual discipline. It takes grit to sit still and breathe deeply, or balance in tree pose and breathe deeply without swaying branches or uprooting. According to the Kleshas, one may evade the grasp of the five afflictions by regularly practicing spiritual disciplines. Some suggested disciplines include studying sacred texts and dedicating action to God. Oh my. It's just like Christianity. When my mind is racing and I'm feeling overwhelmed, I study the Bible. When I don't know what else to do about a problem, or literally don't know what to do with myself, I get on my knees and pray. When I'm scrambling to finish a seemingly impossible assignment, I put on some worship music to pull myself out of the spiral of "I can't do this!!!" thoughts. When I get haughty (egoistic), I find myself in trouble; I end up struggling to forge my own path. I had everything under control before... God orders my steps when I let Him lead, when I follow after Him.

I still live in ignorance, have egotistic moments, and so on, but God forgives me. I tell Him I'm sorry for trying to take His job and plead with Him to take it back because I'm awful at it. When I focus on Him and His goodness instead of what's wrong in my life, or my shortcomings, I'm at peace.

The Practice

I think I mentioned in my first post that I am taking a weight training class this semester, and that I am an on again off again runner. Well, I'm starting to see how all of those things are coming together...

Preface: I am very happy with my legs. If I do say so myself, they look really good. They are nice and muscular, although, according to a physical therapist I visited, they are unevenly muscular. Unfortunately, that has made my knees (literally) weak, making running, squats, lunges, taking the stairs, anything that puts pressure on my knees feel painful according to how much I've been doing the aforementioned. I haven't been very diligent about keeping up with my recommended exercises for building up my leg muscles as a whole. (I'm a really disciplined person, but the leg exercises seem to fall to the wayside).

Now that the back story is done, I have been doing a lot of upper body work in WT class. Consequently I have these lovely protective calluses building up. I really hope they don't get in the way of my slowly improving downward dog...Meanwhile, yoga has been great at opening up my chest, and relieving my back of all the tightening that happens in WT. I've been meaning to get back into running, but I obviously have some reasons to proceed with caution. When I do, I will be well prepared with an arsenal of post-running stretches such as Supta Virasana and Western Stretch. Finally, I think the leg work we do in yoga (ahem, holding the downward dog) will be great for my legs, since my upper body gets all the love in WT class.

Spiritual Slap

The most recent bit of How Yoga Works really convicted me. Friday showed the Captain that he has been blaming others for acting a certain way, upsetting him, when he had the power to change his own perspective all along. She accused him of stubbing his own toe and getting upset with others for causing his pain. This particular analogy left me feeling enlightened. Of course! I judge people and get upset when I can't change whatever it is I don't like about them. I am fully capable of changing the situation around.

I quickly let myself step into the role of "the victim." I don't even have to go that far. When I believe that a person is irritating in and of herself, I am only contributing to her irritating behavior because I'll likely treat her as if she's being irritating. Then, in an irritated state, she will be rude to me and the cycle will continue. (Self-fulling prophecy, ftw)! Continuing in the dramatics, I say, "wah wah, she doesn't like me." Well, it would certainly help if I try treating her better than she treats me. Not to one up her, but to win her over. I must also remember that everyone has bad days. It's possible that I'm catching this girl on an especially rough day. I used to work in retail. For some reason, customers often like to take their stress and grief out on we salespeople, either in making us their therapist for half an hour, or by treating us as badly as they feel. I had to remind myself that the latter group have families and people who have to go home to them. Then I would feel bad for those families, and try to treat the customer kindly. Or, I would remind myself that the family might see this person as sweet and endearing, and they deserve to be treated as such. We can all use some respect.

*sigh of exasperation* These lessons are easy to write about, but not so easy to practice. Best wishes, y'all.

Beginning Again

I tend to be a workout snob...which is hilarious considering the fact that I just started working out regularly my senior year in high school. I get proud and think I don't need to stretch much, or at the other end, I think I don't need rest days. A very dangerous mode of thinking, indeed. Unfortunately, my snobbery kept me from keeping up with yoga on my own. "I have XYZ more important things to be doing." In hindsight I can say that I've been lying to myself. I have thoroughly enjoyed this first week of my return to the practice of yoga. Mind and Body are very happy with my decision to take this yoga and philosophy class. Each time I laid in corpse pose at the end of the practice, I felt radiantly peaceful. I forgot how sweet that feeling is, how my mind and my body sing after a good stretching.

The other day I was studying with a friend in the library for several hours. I can't sit still for very long, so I would twist around my chair, cracking my back. (It's a nice temporary solution to my relatively sedentary studying state). I sat, studied, got up to pace, sat and studied some more, went downstairs to buy some sleep-discouraging sugar. None of that was as satisfying as the quick vinyasa I did in the most private corner I could find. A quick sun salutation and downward dog to upward dog made the sitting and studying combo bearable for longer than anything the sugar-producing manufacturers could concoct. I'm glad to say

How Life Works

The events that have surpassed in How Yoga Works parallel recent events in my life. For the protection of this person (my Captain), I'm about to be very vague. Sorry (I'm not sorry), Interwebs. Someone has recently entered my life who needs a lot of help. This sounds pretty harsh now that I've written it, but it's true. We all need help at some point, some in a larger quantity than others, and some more frequently. 

I want to help people. I plan to go to graduate school to get a degree in counseling. I'm terrified, and I feel under qualified, but God is showing me just how qualified I am in a practical way. When the main character said, "...it occured to me that events had thrust me to the very place I had always said I wanted to go: to an opportunity where I could help others heal themselves..." I realized that she succinctly and eloquently verbalized where I am in life. 

My Captain, the person I've been helping (and at times encouraging her/him to get help from those more qualified than me), continues to show me how I've grown. I have learned a lot in the psychology classes I've taken and the positions I've held that require exercising my interpersonal skills. In the time that I've known My Captain, I have used quite a bit from my stores of knowledge. I have also been humbled by reminders that I don't know everything, and I am not omnipotent. (Thank goodness). Like Roach's protagonist, I find myself laughing on the inside as My Captain will express concern which I expressed with others older than me. I've listened to her/him complain, worry, and even get excited about things which once stressed and eustressed(?) me. This situation/friendship/mentorship makes me thankful for every challenging thing I've endured. It would be hard to say, "it's going to be okay" without really knowing that truth. Sometimes it's hard to stay patient and encouraging, but doing so gets easier when I remind myself that I come from the same place.