As a person who seeks to avoid pain in her everyday life, I had a hard time working my way though Waking. It is very well written, and hard to put down because it is so readable. Yet, it was necessary for me to put it down because I felt the sadness from the obstacles Young Matt faced unrelenting. He got into a terrible accident, lost his brother and sister, woke up from a coma to find out he was paralyzed, went through many, many surgeries, and poor treatment from medical professionals, and suffered so much loss.
Much of Matt's loss, as a result of the accident, happened in the hospital. He had to give up his sense of privacy since he was unable to care for himself. Also, since he had visitors and hospital staff checking in on him at all hours. Being resigned to a hospital bed for so long, and because of his injuries, he lost his athleticism. That coupled with his ornery digestive system put him at a mere 80 pounds. He was unable to live his normal life. As the younger brother of an accomplished athlete, Matt dreamed of following in his brother's footsteps. Unfortunately, his paralysis made that impossible, to his and Matt's dismay. The paralysis also nullified his abdominal muscles. He nearly got rid of his legs, deeming them unnecessary, but they would prove to be helpful with balance. Possibly, most importantly, he lost the connection between his mind and body. Before Matt underwent his second body cast, an awfully painful experience, his mom suggested that he step outside of his mind. Matt tried this and it worked for him. Subsequently, he used this technique to escape the pain and boredom that were constantly bombarding him in the hospital. Leaving his mind, however, proved to lead to anger and self-hatred.
Brief tangent: There is a blogger I followed on Tumblr, until she deleted her page :( Anyway, she was a broken individual in the sense that she had been mentally and physically abused by many men in her life when she was younger. She overcame an eating disorder and this past abuse to become an inspirational figure to me and to many. She lifted weights and worked out regularly, but had an unabashedly wild love affair with junk food. She explained that she learned to curb her cravings, from binging daily, to having Sour Patch Kids as often as she wanted, but in moderation (a.k.a. not the whole bag). I really admired this girl because she had serious guns (love biceps) and abs. She would laugh (I presume. I would read between the lines), writing about how many people would comment on her "amazing six pack," when really it was a come-and-go sort of thing. She explained it's extremely hard to get and maintain abs like that. Some people are just not geared for that genetically. Then she said something that stuck with me, "you may not ever have abs, but you can always have biceps." Arms are much easier to tone than abs. I am a testimony to that. Though my biceps are small, they are pretty toned, and they got that way after I worked up to 15-30 pushups a day for a few weeks. I thought about all of this fondly as Matt almost self-deprecatingly compares himself to Dwight the thrill-seeker with "ham hock" arms.
I'm not sure what I was expecting to read about Matt's experience with yoga, but I wasn't expecting it to be so relatable. He wrote about his first experience practicing yoga with Jo almost as something mystical. I felt so moved when he related to Jo that the last time he had spread his legs wide like that was before the accident. (His life has two markers of time: birth and pre-/post-accident). Nevertheless, Matt felt the powerful charges the body releases during the yoga practice. Since, in yoga, we are moving in ways differently than we're used to, our body parts get warm and excited by their newfound significance. This is especially true in the case of Matt's legs, having been resigned to a wheelchair for twelve years. I was just surprised as he was that, as someone who tried so hard to sever his mind-body connection, was so quickly able to feel so much. He benefited from the practice of yoga immediately :)
Cycling back a little bit, Matt explained how awkward it was for him 1. pulling in to yoga class after class and 2. doing it in a wheelchair. As he waited, he noticed the students lingering afterward, "with a shapeless need." That's absolutely right! Once our class gets going, we scramble out the door, but after Dr. Schultz says her closing blessing, we're all sitting in a blissful, haze. The line about "gratitude toward the people you've had the opportunity to practice with" often makes me want to shout, "we did it y'all!!!" but shouting is generally socially unacceptable in classrooms and it would throw off our yogic groove, so I just happily think that to myself. It is amazing, though, the bond that people build from exercising together. My best friend and I didn't become best friends until we started running together on the weekends. Although, I feel a connection toward the people in my weight training class, but it's not the same as in BIC yoga + philosophy. I'm sure that is partly because I at least knew of everyone in the latter, and knew no one in the former. The people who are closest in my weight training class are those who train together in the gym. The rest of us are just mod podge. Everyone runs out the door after class, with their workout buddy. There is no peaceful lingering or real class unity, which is fine. To me, it makes our yoga class feel even more special.
Back to Matt, the chapter "Body Memories" really captured my attention. I have heard of people having mental flashbacks before, but never physical ones. Sanford explained that it wasn't until he had the surgery to remove the rods that he knew how his body felt as it went through the accident (since he had no memory of these events). I can't imagine how terrifying that surgery was for everyone involved. The agitated doctor probably didn't know it was "phantom" pain that led Matt to act so spastically during the surgery, at least not at first. And Matt had no idea what had happened until after he woke up. How disorienting, reliving a violent accident again and again according to circumstances beyond your control? Matt came to the realization that his body was pressing on forward in all of those times when he mentally checked out. That is pretty amazing to think about...God has made our bodies to do serious battle. They can handle a lot. Matt's sure did. "My body did not ask for the rupture that it experienced, but it somehow survived it." It was his mind that was a little too weak. "I did not mean to take [my body] for granted" (Chapter 13). He realized consequences of letting his mind leave his body.
Near the end of the book, Sanford says, "my life has taught me that there is a wealth of strength within us; there is nothing we cannot handle." The events of his life have definitely made him a witness to that truth. I think anyone who reads Waking will be encouraged to believe it, too.
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